The Fear Behind Compliance
Compliance can hide fear, not genuine readiness
Sep 10, 2026 · 21 min · 10 segments
Send us Fan Mail From leaving the playground to getting ready for bed, transitions can be some of the hardest moments in your child's day. In this…
What is a transition? A transition is any moment in your child's day where they're moving from doing one thing to another, playing with one toy to playing with a different toy, being at home to going out the door.
Why are transitions so hard for young children? Well, the younger they are, the harder it is for them to understand what's going on.
There are lots of things to understand in transition.
It means finishing something they're not ready to finish.
It means understanding the words that you say.
Can they come back to doing that activity or place again? And sometimes coming back to a place isn't an option.
I was sitting in the library recently doing some work and I overheard a parent trying to get her young child to leave.
She gave him the instruction.
I would say he was about two years old.
It's time to go.
He didn't follow her.
She repeated the instruction again.
He didn't follow her.
And finally she said, I'm leaving.
Now that instantly triggered his separation alarm and he complied.
I wondered in that moment, was there anything she could have done differently? We see this so often at a playground in public places.
Parents play what I call the ace card.
I'm leaving, even if you're not ready.
This is really frightening for our children when we threaten to leave without them.
So of course you'll get compliance.
Then as a parent, you think, okay, that's a great strategy.
I just need to tell them I'm leaving and then they'll come with me.
The downside to using that strategy is that they're leaving the activity they don't want to leave out of fear that you're going to leave them, not because they're feeling connected to you and are happy to leave and move on to something else.
Some of you might have noticed that you've used the strategy of I'm leaving and it backfires on you.
Your child refuses to leave.
What is a transition? A transition is any moment in your child's day where they're moving from doing one thing to another, playing with one toy to playing with a different toy, being at home to going out the door.
Why are transitions so hard for young children? Well, the younger they are, the harder it is for them to understand what's going on.
There are lots of things to understand in transition.
It means finishing something they're not ready to finish.
It means understanding the words that you say.
Can they come back to doing that activity or place again? And sometimes coming back to a place isn't an option.
I was sitting in the library recently doing some work and I overheard a parent trying to get her young child to leave.
She gave him the instruction.
I would say he was about two years old.
It's time to go.
He didn't follow her.
She repeated the instruction again.
He didn't follow her.
And finally she said, I'm leaving.
Now that instantly triggered his separation alarm and he complied.
I wondered in that moment, was there anything she could have done differently? We see this so often at a playground in public places.
Parents play what I call the ace card.
I'm leaving, even if you're not ready.
This is really frightening for our children when we threaten to leave without them.
So of course you'll get compliance.
Then as a parent, you think, okay, that's a great strategy.
I just need to tell them I'm leaving and then they'll come with me.
The downside to using that strategy is that they're leaving the activity they don't want to leave out of fear that you're going to leave them, not because they're feeling connected to you and are happy to leave and move on to something else.
Some of you might have noticed that you've used the strategy of I'm leaving and it backfires on you.
Your child refuses to leave.
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3 of 7
The Fear Behind Compliance
Compliance can hide fear, not genuine readiness
Why Children Melt Down Afterward
Sometimes reunion is when feelings finally emerge
The Screen-Time Strategy That Worked
Connection can change how children handle screens
+4 more clips · 7 min 25 sec of audio in all
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