275- Existential? Derealization? Schizophrenia? What’s The Fear?

So let's get into this question.

This We'll just launch into it.

So they say, hello, my name is Eve.

I'm from the UK.

Starts out pretty strong.

They say this is sort of related to your recent schizophrenia OCD episode.

Now, they don't say which one it was because I've done a number of them.

So who knows? They say I've experienced that before and have taken the leap of faith that has really helped.

However, more recently, I feel my anxiety has developed into intrusive thoughts triggered by derealization.

having experienced intense derealization for the first time about five months ago, leading me into a cycle of extreme panic.

I'm now feeling better, but I still get this lingering fear, particularly when doing something I'd perhaps find a bit stressful, something like attending an event, catching up with friends, the feeling that nothing is real and that I somehow am hallucinating everything.

even my friends and family.

Though a rational side of me know this isn't possible, it cycles sometimes into extreme existential dread and thoughts like, how is this even real? How do my friends even exist? How do I even exist? And sometimes it makes me avoid seeing them all together as a perhaps safety mechanism.

I'm not sure what I'm scared of.

It's like I can face these fears by going out to see them, but then I start thinking, what if people around me notice that I'm hallucinating my friends and that I've completely made them up and they think I'm crazy? My anxiety doesn't make sense because even if I'm worried I'm making everything up, why would I even care what these made-up other people see slash not see me doing? This is a bit tricky one for me to navigate, and I know my mind is making things difficult for me as a result of overthinking about every possible possibility.

And the thing that I'm scared of is reality.

I'm questioning it constantly, looking for any reassurance that is not made up.

It's like I want to escape reality so bad because of the fight or flight, but I literally cannot because it's my reality.

And then I feel stuck and restless.

I tried being more compassionate with myself, and I can recognize that these are just thoughts, but sometimes it feels overbearing, like there's absolutely no escape because it's my life I'm fearing at the end of the day.

And And when I've tried explaining this to my doctor, they start asking me if I'm seeing things which other people can't see, which leads me to think, oh my goodness, What if I am? And even the people I think around me seeing it too are also my hallucinations and have gone absolutely crazy.

And I suppose for an anxious mind already fearing hallucinations, being asked if you are makes you feel horrible that the possibility is even being considered by someone else.

It's not every day that I have these thoughts, but when they do come... it's really difficult to get out of because there's literally no escape.

And you'd think I'm constantly having to face reality.

Excuse me.