Jul 15, 2026 · 29 min · 13 segments
Worth is not something you earn. But most of us grew up in environments that treated it like you could and should. In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we look at the core issue of value: what…
So let's start with what value actually means, because s- it's a lot of times not what you think it does, okay? So value is...
It's warm regard, all right? It's not to be confused with, um, [lips smack] it's not to be confused with ego, okay? It's not earned.
You actually had it the moment you were born, all right? Our value doesn't change over time.
Every child arrives with full value, whole, not partial, [chuckles] not potential, and certainly not contingent, meaning, like, it, nothing relies on it, okay? The goal of healthy development means helping a child know and feel that.
If we, if we think about this in a spiritual component, right? We know that the Lord, when we are born, we are born with all the value that we need.
It's almost like a seed, okay? And then when our parents, when we have our parents, what they're supposed to do is water it, and even the most well-meaning parents miss the mark sometimes, okay? Which means that a lot of times kids start basing their value based on what they're doing, how happy mommy and daddy are, uh, did I pick up my toys, am I getting good grades, um, am I being responsible at home, right? And that's when we get wounded.
So when our environment fails to reflect back our value to us is when that gap starts to happen, all right? The hard part is we actually can't earn worth, okay? You can only fail to recognize it, right? Or be failed by the people who couldn't show it to you.
So what do children actually need to internalize their value? First thing we need is attunement, okay? Which, you know, a lot of times we can just t-talk about this as attention from a parent, someone who is reading you accurately and responds to you.
I think about this with, um, with my boys, and again, it's not perfect, okay? So they know that they can't hide anything from me, and as soon as I can pick up a, a shift in their mood or their nervous system getting dysregulated, I'm checking in on them.
It just means we have to check in, okay? It's good enough, and if I think about it, most of us that are walking around the face of the planet didn't really get that from our parents.
And again, it's not that our parents are monsters or that they are horrible people.
Well-meaning people miss this part, okay? The other part is being delighted in, right? If you see a child ...
I, I know that a lot of times I'll see a kid walking around, and it just makes me smile to look at this child, whether they were, like, you know, bopping around with curly hair or, you know, they were playing with a toy or just even noticing their joy, right? But you're being seen as a source of joy, not a responsibility, okay? And as a parent, we have to be responsible for our children, right? We, we are the responsible ones, but our child should never feel like they are a responsibility, okay? So, you know, this might look like your parent's face lighting up when you walk into the room, okay? Without that, the child really has no way to see themselves as delightful.
All right? Another thing we talk about is unconditional positive regard, okay? And this might be considered unconditional love, right? It's love that doesn't waver with our behavior.
It's love that says, "I'm for you, even when I have to correct you or even when we have to, um, use discipline," right? Versus love that says, "I'm only here for you when you do this right." Okay? It might be like a parent that only shows up to sporting events and not to a play, right? Um, we learn a lot about what our parents favor, what our parents like, if they're only showing up for the things that they wanna be a part of instead of investing in whatever that child is a part of, okay? I look, I think about all my boys differently, and, um, each one is very different, okay? And not all of them are interested in the same things that I'm interested in, okay? And so when I can come alongside them and ask questions and be curious and notice things with them, it shows them that I care about what they care about, okay? And that's kind of what we're talking about here, which transfers into being known, all right, not just managed, okay? There's a difference between a parent who responds to the child in front of them and one s- one that responds to the child they want you to be, okay? Again, do we need perfect parents? No.
So let's start with what value actually means, because s- it's a lot of times not what you think it does, okay? So value is...
It's warm regard, all right? It's not to be confused with, um, [lips smack] it's not to be confused with ego, okay? It's not earned.
You actually had it the moment you were born, all right? Our value doesn't change over time.
Every child arrives with full value, whole, not partial, [chuckles] not potential, and certainly not contingent, meaning, like, it, nothing relies on it, okay? The goal of healthy development means helping a child know and feel that.
If we, if we think about this in a spiritual component, right? We know that the Lord, when we are born, we are born with all the value that we need.
It's almost like a seed, okay? And then when our parents, when we have our parents, what they're supposed to do is water it, and even the most well-meaning parents miss the mark sometimes, okay? Which means that a lot of times kids start basing their value based on what they're doing, how happy mommy and daddy are, uh, did I pick up my toys, am I getting good grades, um, am I being responsible at home, right? And that's when we get wounded.
So when our environment fails to reflect back our value to us is when that gap starts to happen, all right? The hard part is we actually can't earn worth, okay? You can only fail to recognize it, right? Or be failed by the people who couldn't show it to you.
So what do children actually need to internalize their value? First thing we need is attunement, okay? Which, you know, a lot of times we can just t-talk about this as attention from a parent, someone who is reading you accurately and responds to you.
I think about this with, um, with my boys, and again, it's not perfect, okay? So they know that they can't hide anything from me, and as soon as I can pick up a, a shift in their mood or their nervous system getting dysregulated, I'm checking in on them.
It just means we have to check in, okay? It's good enough, and if I think about it, most of us that are walking around the face of the planet didn't really get that from our parents.
And again, it's not that our parents are monsters or that they are horrible people.
Well-meaning people miss this part, okay? The other part is being delighted in, right? If you see a child ...
I, I know that a lot of times I'll see a kid walking around, and it just makes me smile to look at this child, whether they were, like, you know, bopping around with curly hair or, you know, they were playing with a toy or just even noticing their joy, right? But you're being seen as a source of joy, not a responsibility, okay? And as a parent, we have to be responsible for our children, right? We, we are the responsible ones, but our child should never feel like they are a responsibility, okay? So, you know, this might look like your parent's face lighting up when you walk into the room, okay? Without that, the child really has no way to see themselves as delightful.
All right? Another thing we talk about is unconditional positive regard, okay? And this might be considered unconditional love, right? It's love that doesn't waver with our behavior.
It's love that says, "I'm for you, even when I have to correct you or even when we have to, um, use discipline," right? Versus love that says, "I'm only here for you when you do this right." Okay? It might be like a parent that only shows up to sporting events and not to a play, right? Um, we learn a lot about what our parents favor, what our parents like, if they're only showing up for the things that they wanna be a part of instead of investing in whatever that child is a part of, okay? I look, I think about all my boys differently, and, um, each one is very different, okay? And not all of them are interested in the same things that I'm interested in, okay? And so when I can come alongside them and ask questions and be curious and notice things with them, it shows them that I care about what they care about, okay? And that's kind of what we're talking about here, which transfers into being known, all right, not just managed, okay? There's a difference between a parent who responds to the child in front of them and one s- one that responds to the child they want you to be, okay? Again, do we need perfect parents? No.
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