Ep. 167: Viral Caviar Pizza and Gastro-Travel

I never hydrated as a kid.

When did hydration become in vogue?

Because of the water bottles.

You see the water bottle collection I have at my house.

Do you think like Stanley made hydration cool?

No, because people...

Oh, like now.

Stanley...

My dad had a Stanley thermos.

Oh, yeah.

For his coffee when he used to sell newspapers back in the day.

I love when dudes pull out their old Stanley thermos they've had for 20 years, an Igloo cooler, and they're like, dude, I've been using this for 40 years.

You can still smell my dad's logging truck cooler that always smelled like old bananas.

Old bananas.

You always had like a banana sitting in there for too many days.

It's like kept the flavor.

Yeah.

But

like in grade school, it was on hot days.

They would bring everybody into the hallway and you would line up to use the water fountain.

What?

One, two, three.

Next.

One, two, three.

Next.

We didn't have that.

Oh.

Moratorium on water? No.

In

Gladwin?

We didn't have water breaks.

Jersey.

If you wanted water, you had to get water in between classes.

They'll help us.

I went to like a mean public school in South Jersey.

And then eventually when they did let water bottles in… I would write… Like my cheat notes on the inside of the label.

And then you would have it like on your desk and you could see

it.

Did you see the new thing that they're doing? Like the T-100s or the T-1000s, the Texas Instruments.

You can download AI into it now.

So you can talk to AI.

There's a guy online on selling it.

It's a hundred bucks.

You bring your own or he buys it.

And he'll upload an AI platform so you can type in questions into the Texas Instruments calculator.

How nuts is that?

Into your TI-82? Was

that what it is? Yeah.

We are beginning to be the dumbest people in the world.

I'm not going to lie.

I had one of the first smartphones.

It wasn't an iPhone, but it was like an Ericsson something.

And it can connect to the internet.

I remember at college, I would save all the hard questions to the end.

And I'd just reread them and then go to the bathroom.

And then like Google them.

And then come back and fill out my test.

I would use my TI-83, whatever it was, and the lid.

The

index card?

I would put the index card in the center and just kind of slide it out.

If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.

That's actually how I learned because I would write my cheat sheets right before class and then I would remember them.

Oh, there you go.

It kind of worked.

Maybe it's because I was so dehydrated because I never had water.

Like maybe you'd bring a Gatorade to like field hockey practice.

I was poor back then.

No, those were fancy days.

I remember at a football practice, they would have us drinking from a hose.

And it was only like once.

Maybe if it was a reward.

Only

if you tried hard.

Yeah.

Remember the Titans was real.

You only got water for special occasions until someone died in my district.

And then we were getting mandatory water breaks every 15 minutes.

Like

run 20 suicides.

Fine.

You can have some water.

Yeah.

Or like if you messed up a play back in the day, you messed up a play, you were running until you were thrown up and then you were really dehydrated.

I remember that.

Dude,

what position did you

play? I was a defensive nose guard.

So the guy that stood directly across from the center.

What was your like football game day look? Were your knuckles wrapped up? Did you have like full paint on your face? It

was like the program.

I had paint on my face and I did my fingers too.

Yeah.

Put my middle finger and my index finger together.

So you just kind of gouge people.

And then with the centers hated me too because like I wasn't a great nose guard.

But when I was in, I would just jam them.

And like off the line, you can do whatever you want.

So I would just uppercut them as soon as I came off the line.

Or… And then if I jam them up in the shoulders so much… A buckle… The buckle would come undone.

And the buckles to keep things in are metal.

So if one was hanging out of his jersey or his armpit… I would go for the buckle and try to stab him with the buckle right in his armpit.

And like… People hated me.

But I hated them too.

I don't know why.

Were you a chirper as well?

Nah.

I wasn't a chirper.

I was just like… I want to stab you again if you don't buckle that shit up.

Like…

Was your team good?

Uh…

We… No, we were… We won one game my senior

year.

One? What position were you, Eli?

Well, we had lots of positions.

Our school was so small.

We barely had enough to make an 11-man roster.

So you played every… Everywhere.

Oh.

Back and forth.

Yeah.

We went… I was in like… Like in South Jersey.

It was like the Olympic Conference.

So there was… I think I graduated like 600 plus kids.

But we were playing schools like Washington Township that had… They were graduating like a thousand kids.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Um, like their band pulled up in the 18 wheeler.

Like that's how big this school was.

That was nuts.

All right.

Well, let's cut up some orange slices and get this episode started.