No Waymo

[audience cheering] Humans, I may be about three apples high, so I can't ride a scooter, mostly because I don't wanna look like I can recommend a good bookstore because I can't.

I don't fly 'cause I don't have miles 'cause I'm not gonna get another app.

I can't even get a driver's license 'cause I'm technically a game bird.

But like all species, when I gotta get somewhere, I gotta get there, and I still gotta get where I gotta go.

And yeah, it's usually away from something that wants to fucking eat me.

[laughing]

So like you, I can totally recognize the want to get somewhere fast and accurately.

Us birds are masters of migration.

We invented it, according to your human scientists, way before anything else did.

The bison didn't do shit till they looked up, saw what we were up to, literally.

Totally cribbed off us.

Back in the day, we birds moved in similar migratory patterns 'cause there wasn't a Binny's Beverage Depot yet, so no reason to go downtown.

[laughing]

But after 20 glacial cycles, you pick up some travel tips as we're headed out for longer flights to get food and hot vacation destinations to make out before heading back.

We were bold, like a teenager with a learner's permit.

Those of us that survived passed the secrets to the kids, and when they got the keys, they stayed out too late too, et cetera, et cetera.

Now we all own summer homes.

Not me, I live in Chicago.

I don't need to go far for pizza and microbrews year-round.

Humans are a little different, mostly because you got more stuff, but also 'cause you're kind of relatively new at this, as far as I'm learning.

I come from dinosaurs, and technically I am one.

So like, your history is a little pedestrian compared to that generational trauma.

But from what I've gathered, you humans started wandering out to see what's out there around 60,000 years ago.

That's cute.

It's cool.