Whatever Happens I Trust Myself to be Okay

***This is the final post in this months theme of building confidence.Week 1 -*** *All I Wanted Was to Be Susan’s Friend and to Own a Pony****Week 2-*** *I Didn’t Only Build My Confidence, I Uncovered Who I Was****Week 3 -*** *If You Wait Until You Are Confident, You Will Never Take the Leap* ***I started this month wanting Susan to choose me. I end with the realisation that I can choose myself.*** Carla was super confident. She was six feet tall too, which made her even more imposing. When I first met her, I thought she had the kind of confidence I wanted. The kind that lets people know you are in the room. At that time, my own confidence was low. At first glance, Carla seemed like the kind of person who would make a good role model. Maybe I could be like her. A shorter version, as I am only 5 feet 4. Carla was brash and bold. She called herself a ‘sex kitten.’ She was the type of woman who was powerful and got what she wanted out of life. I started acting super confident. I let people know how clever I was, without believing it myself, of course. Don’t they say, ‘fake it till you make it?’ I tried acting more like Carla. My friend told me I was being aggressive. A work colleague told me not to be so arrogant. Even my mother said I was being selfish. Ouch! Well, this clearly wasn’t working. After a while, I realised that Carla was bossy, a bully even. She used her height to intimidate her work colleagues. Looking back, I realise that acting like Carla was a way to protect myself from getting hurt. It wasn’t real confidence; it was a way of making sure people didn’t get too close. That wasn’t the kind of confidence I was looking for. A while later, I saw Carla in the supermarket. She was shopping with her mother. When she saw me, Carla introduced me to her mother. Then she said something that stayed with me. She said, *‘Sue, tell my mother how popular I am.’* That one sentence said so much about the real Carla and how confident she really was. **Stop trying to be confident** As I found, pretending to be confident when you are not may work for some people for a time. Eventually, the cracks will begin to show. The loudest person in the room isn’t necessarily the most confident. What looks like confidence from the outside can sometimes be something quite different underneath. I stopped trying to be confident and started making small changes to my life instead. It wasn’t something intentional, but I realised that the more I worked on myself, the more my confidence grew. Little things like: \* Smiling more and making eye contact. \* Learning to listen in a conversation. \* Being interested in people and letting me get to know them. \* Knowing my values and living from them. \* Bringing an attitude of gratitude into my life. None of these things made me louder or more impressive. They made me more comfortable with myself. **Doing scary things** When you are shy with low self-confidence, it can be hard to do things that scare you. I don’t mean like jumping out of a plane, or climbing a mountain. Although they are scary. Small things like making a complaint when you hate confrontation. Or saying no to a request when you normally say yes. These were the things I started to push myself to do. Going to social events and speaking to people. I learned that most people are quite friendly and easy to talk to. In these small scary moments, I would ask myself a question: *‘What is it I want to happen?’* That question shifted my attention from what I feared might happen to what I actually wanted. Then I could decide whether taking the uncomfortable step mattered to me. That doesn’t mean I forced myself to go to every social event. Sometimes confidence can be choosing the cosy night in rather than saying yes to a party you really don’t want to go to. **Knowing I will be okay** Meeting Carla taught me something I couldn’t understand at the time. I didn’t need to become someone else to be accepted. When I tried to wear Carla’s confidence, it didn’t fit. I came across as arrogant and aggressive because it wasn’t me. For years, I thought I wanted confidence. What I really wanted was to feel accepted and to be liked by people. As I became more aligned with my natural self, I no longer needed everyone to like me. Of course, I would still prefer to be liked. We all want that. Rejection and criticism can be painful, and difficult conversations can still make me uncomfortable. Confidence hasn’t made me immune to discomfort. It has given me something else. I know now that I will be okay whether someone likes me or not. Whatever happens, I will always be okay. ***Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. I am grateful. Much loveSue xx*** This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe