I Didn’t Only Build My Confidence, I Uncovered Who I Was

***This is the second post in this months theme of building confidence. Week 1 -*** *All I Wanted Was to Be Susan’s Friend and to Own a Pony* I was in a dark place, looking for a light to guide me. In that moment, I felt I had a choice. Stay a victim and keep spiralling down. Or get back on my feet and become my own hero. I decided to stand up. That’s when I committed to building my confidence. One of my favourite books is *Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It* by Kamal Ravikant. He says about love, ‘*The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers.’* Although the book wasn’t written until fourteen years after I made my commitment, it captures the exact energy I was feeling. I was pulling myself up, and I had no idea what my climb would entail. Making a commitment felt like a way to channel energy into how I wanted my life to be. Ravikant says that commitment is a vow, more than a wish or even a promise. When you make a commitment, your brain recognises it as important. At the time, I only knew that I wanted my life to be different. I believed that there was a strength inside me that would help me rebuild my confidence. I had an image of the real me in my mind. I saw glimpses of her every day as I worked in the bank. There, I felt confident in some ways. Talking to my clients was much easier than having a conversation in a social setting. That confident version was already a part of me, but all her insecurities were holding her back. **Taking small actions** A commitment needs action. Otherwise, we eventually stop trusting ourselves to follow through. It’s like repeatedly making a promise to someone you love and then letting them down. Trust begins to erode. The same can happen in our relationship with ourselves. With my commitment, I told myself I was building my confidence. My brain then began working on it. Over time, the small actions I took changed what I believed about myself. *‘I will build my confidence’* gave me direction. I started making choices that aligned with that. \* I read self-help books on confidence. \* I started to try new things, like learning hypnotherapy and NLP. \* I had conversations that felt uncomfortable. \* I took the opportunities that I would have ignored before. \* I started walking like someone who was confident. I finally found the courage to leave the company I was beginning to hate. I even took a lower-paid role at a new company just so I could leave before I backed down. I hadn’t even started when an opportunity arose at the new company, and they offered me a higher-paid role with a company car. That was a huge boost to my confidence. More importantly, I proved to myself that I could make a difficult decision and follow through on it. A year after making my commitment, I met someone new. A good man this time. Probably someone I would have walked past in my previous existence. We have just celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary. I was gradually building evidence that I could build relationships, handle difficult situations, and try new things. With each small win, my self-trust grew, and my confidence grew alongside it. I started to believe in myself. **One piece at a time** Looking back, I realise that the words ‘*I will build my confidence’* started a process. I could have said, *I want to be confident.* That might have helped, but it would have been more of a wish than a commitment. The word *build* implied a process. I wasn’t expecting to wake up one morning transformed into a confident woman. I was giving myself permission to get there one small step at a time. For years, I saw confidence as something I lacked and needed to achieve. Perhaps yet another way to prove myself. One thing I have learned over the years is that we do not need to prove ourselves to anyone. I was completing my own life jigsaw. Every time I spoke up, tried something new, had a difficult conversation or made a decision for myself, another piece slipped into place. I never needed to create a new version of myself. I only needed to uncover the woman who had always been there beneath the insecurity, the need for approval and the belief that she wasn’t enough. When I was in that dark place all those years ago, I made a commitment to become more confident. *I will build my confidence.* Those five words, *‘I will build my confidence’*, gave me direction, but my actions made the difference. They brought me closer to who I really was. Along with building my confidence, I grew my self-trust and self-belief. I kept my commitment, and somewhere along the way, I also found who I was under the labels, insecurities and all the other baggage I carried with me. I still work on my confidence; the commitment is and always will be in place. The difference now is that a much more aligned and authentic me is taking those small actions. ***I am writing a book about how we return to our authentic selves. Self-confidence grows as we remove the insecurities that keep us stuck and, piece by piece, return to who we really are. Your comments help me decide the direction the book takes. I am very grateful.*** ***Much loveSue xx*** This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe