Episode 11: Action & Safety Plans

So my safety plan, I wrote it when I went through a pure desire group called Betrayal and Beyond that is for betrayed spouses.

They recommend that you split up the safety plan into three sections.

I have mine split up into four.

The first section is actions for my own healing.

The second is actions for your healing.

The third is actions following a lapse.

And then the fourth one is actions following a relapse.

And I wanted to differentiate between what would happen with a lapse versus a relapse because my definition of those are different.

But That's a unique thing that each individual is going to have different opinions on.

So don't at me, please.

There is no spiritual definition, right?

There's no black and white.

There's no black and

white definition of what that means, right? We're moving towards health.

And I think that that's important.

Yes, we need to be specific in defining But that can also lead to us looking for loopholes if we're being very specific in how we define things getting overly technical.

It's more about the spirit of what we're shooting for while being very specific with which actions are taking us towards health and taking us away from health.

Right.

And the lack of clarity at different times in our relationship led you to hide things that you felt like you didn't need to disclose, but things that I felt were important for me to know and be aware of for my own safety.

And so that was something I kind of added as time went on.

It was not until several years into recovery that I differentiated those two.

What is a safety plan?

Okay, so a safety plan is basically for the betrayed spouse in the situation, and it has boundaries set up based on things that the addict does, usually tied to acting out in some way, shape, or form, so that everything is pre-written, pre-decided, and you're not having to make a decision in the heat of the moment.

It keeps people from flying off the handle.

It also keeps people like me, who I'm a fawner, So you have fight, flight, fawn, freeze.

So my safety plan, I wrote it when I went through a pure desire group called Betrayal and Beyond that is for betrayed spouses.

They recommend that you split up the safety plan into three sections.

I have mine split up into four.

The first section is actions for my own healing.

The second is actions for your healing.

The third is actions following a lapse.

And then the fourth one is actions following a relapse.

And I wanted to differentiate between what would happen with a lapse versus a relapse because my definition of those are different.

But That's a unique thing that each individual is going to have different opinions on.

So don't at me, please.

There is no spiritual definition, right?

There's no black and white.

There's no black and

white definition of what that means, right? We're moving towards health.

And I think that that's important.

Yes, we need to be specific in defining But that can also lead to us looking for loopholes if we're being very specific in how we define things getting overly technical.

It's more about the spirit of what we're shooting for while being very specific with which actions are taking us towards health and taking us away from health.

Right.

And the lack of clarity at different times in our relationship led you to hide things that you felt like you didn't need to disclose, but things that I felt were important for me to know and be aware of for my own safety.

And so that was something I kind of added as time went on.

It was not until several years into recovery that I differentiated those two.

What is a safety plan?

Okay, so a safety plan is basically for the betrayed spouse in the situation, and it has boundaries set up based on things that the addict does, usually tied to acting out in some way, shape, or form, so that everything is pre-written, pre-decided, and you're not having to make a decision in the heat of the moment.

It keeps people from flying off the handle.

It also keeps people like me, who I'm a fawner, So you have fight, flight, fawn, freeze.