#257 From the Archives: The Four Things That Matter Most (Originally aired March 2023) – Dr Ira Byock

Again, I started as a family doc.

That was my training.

And I imprinted on human developmental theory.

And I think what I've been doing through my career is trying to bring some definition to and teach this notion of human development through the end of life.

That serious illness and knowing that you're in a stage of life called dying is an entirely normal thing.

stage of human life and it comes with its own serious challenges and risks of suffering absolutely and it also comes with with particular developmental tasks and opportunities

and say more about those you talked about completion and especially completion of relationships

so there's completion of your um Worldly affairs.

There's just doing the practicalities of of closing, you know, bank accounts or giving your passwords to people you love, including not only your your financial stuff, but your Facebook account or, you know, so that you can close it doing, you know, making sure they don't have to go through probate by changing, you know, the your will or the title of the home or your or, you know, your fiduciary will your your financial will.

There's turning over projects that mean a lot to you, to others.

There's, again, making sure there's nothing left unsaid, critically important left unsaid between you and people you love.

I think there's also something very healthy in deliberately celebrating life and relationships.

If you have the time, if you're, you know, medical condition allows you the time and energy to do so, there is something life affirming about having a celebration, letting people celebrate you and maybe even roast you at a party, but also having it be a dialogue and letting them know how much you love them and just reminiscing together.

I think there's a healthy defiance in our relationship to the force majeure, to death, that says even death can't take this from us.

We matter.

Right.

This relationship is important.

This community is important.

This family is important.

And damn it, death is not going to take take that from us.

We're going to celebrate in the face of it all.

Beautiful.

I think that that takes a huge amount of courage because you're not talking about denial.

You're talking about in the face of still being willing to claim our humanity and our community and our relationships and our loved ones as vastly important to us.

That's right.