92. The Courage to Want: Navigating Desires and Fears

Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves at times what we want, what we really want? Why do we talk ourselves out of wanting what we want? And one thought here is that we don't think we're good enough to get it, or we don't think it's available to us, or we're worried that we will try and not succeed.

And if we're having trouble really accepting, like, you know what? I want this thing, but then our brain's talking us out of, "No, here's all the reasons why you don't want the thing," we can examine those stories that we're telling ourselves, right? Okay.

Well, I want the bigger house.

No, no, no, you don't really want the bigger house, and here's all the reasons why.

So what's behind that? You know, do you really want the bigger house? And then you sort of like make your case for that.

Well, you know, I want a house where, you know, my kids can invite their friends over and, you know, have some space and be more comfortable.

And you start digging down and you realize, like, okay, like that's, that is a real desire.

Like I, I'm going to allow myself to want what I want.

So why was I talking myself out of it? Well, I'm not sure if what I actually want is going to be available to me.

And so there's sort of like that, well, why aren't we trying? Fear of failure thing that, that hits and can happen.

And at the end of all of that, like unwinding that thought if you're still hanging in here with me, three minutes in, I may have lost some of you.

But if we're wanting what we want and we're examining it and deciding, oh yeah, there is a really strong why behind why I want this, so why am I trying to talk myself out of it? And we see that it's just one of our ugly little stories coming up.

A lot of times, the reason I think we're not trying is not because we can't see it, but it's because we're scared of dealing with the feeling that we might have if we don't get it.

So I'm using the house as example because we're in the middle of a house renovation, so house stuff is on my mind.

So letting myself want the house and noticing when those scarcity thoughts come up of, "Oh, I don't know if I really want the house," you know, digging beneath it and realizing, oh, I do because I want, you know, the deeper why is connected to something that is really meaningful in my life.

So can I reckon with the feelings that come if we want the thing and we actively go for the thing, but we don't get the thing? So I guess all of this is to say I think a lot of times we don't allow ourselves to really want what we want because we're scared of dealing with the feelings that will come if we try and don't get it.

Now, of course, this is where resilience comes in.

If we really want it, we're gonna go for it again.

I also think this applies, you know, when you're someone in business and you're wanting a job or you're an entrepreneur and you start a business and it doesn't work and you try again.

Um, but in between maybe you talk yourself out of, oh, that really wasn't for me.

Or let's say you've always wanted to write a book and, you know, eventually you can talk yourself out of wanting these things that maybe you do really, really want in your life.

You sort of like stuff those desires down because of whatever story you're telling yourself.

But I really think the thing that hit me on this walk that I wanted to share on this podcast is for all of us to be really careful of pushing our, our true desires down because we don't wanna deal with the uncomfortable feelings they come with.

I've been doing so much feelings work over the past couple of years, getting my emotional agility certification, uh, last year with Susan David, and it is just so shocking to me how much of what I perceive happening comes down to feelings and being able to manage our emotional life.

And so much of the, you know, not trying or the fear or like the conflict comes from avoiding feeling our feelings or being scared of feeling them, and so avoiding taking action that could possibly lead to feeling these feelings.