Shadchan

But they could.

Because they were each other's match from the Shadchan.

Exactly.

From the Shadchan, from the shul that they didn't go to.

Right.

I don't know.

saying no and it's and it's very very hard to make sure different on the resume but at the same time if hashem these crazy stories always happen if hashem wants the like i know for my dating just to give people chizuk my parents are divorced there's no money single mother the whole thing like who's marrying me you know the only time i would get set up was when people saw me in real life otherwise like i was getting the shock and told me that she can't set me up like there's no way and um and you know so at that point that time there was still fax machines 15 16 years ago my resume got faxed into my in-law's house or something and it went down to the bottom of the pile my father-in-law happened to put it on the top of the pile and he happened to look at it he happened to call a number and like that was it mine just came up to the front they would never have said yes to my resume like it just happened to be in front of him so when things are meant to be resume no resume yeah Hashem makes it happen you know I

do believe that Hashem is the ultimate Shadchan

yeah so it's true and back to what you were saying about saying thank you to Hashem it's so true and not only that the past like couple of weeks I just was going through like a crazy hard challenging time as we all do because it's life and there's always the next thing and the next level and I was really feeling so tormented internally in my mind, just like, and it's eating me up alive.

Like, you know, we can put on a nice poker face, but inside I was just like, not okay.

do believe that Hashem is the ultimate

Shadchan and back to what you were saying about saying thank you to Hashem it's so true and not only that the past couple of weeks I just was going through a crazy hard challenging time as we all do because it's life and there's always the next thing and the next level and I was really feeling so tormented internally in my mind, just like, and it's eating me up alive.

Like, you know, we can put on a nice poker face, but inside I was just like, not okay.

And it got to a point where I was like, just so down.

I remember him saying this.

So I spoke with the Shadchan and the Shadchan was like, okay, so you have to marry her.

So apparently, I just went with it.

I was like, okay, I propose like the next day.

He said, why? I told him, I said, I thought you were the one that told me to get married.

He says, no, I told you if you're going to schmooze with a girl and you're going to be hanging out, it should be in the sake of marriage.

But the Shadchan had some ego trip.

I found this out.

Oh, wow.

Isn't there a name for the matchmaker? A Shadchan.

Oh, there we go.

Okay.

Like shotgun wedding, a Shadchan.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

All right, that's fair.

I think you could talk about lighter and stronger or more severe versions of this.

The more benign version is like the Shadchan, so eager to see a match succeed that they're meddling too much.

The couple sometimes is actually looking to please and answer to the Shadchan more than they're actually focusing on their own relationship.

Whether it's in Shidduchim or education, I don't think this behavior is malicious, but it stems from its own set of anxieties.

Just like it takes enormous faith on the part of a Shadchan, or parents for that matter, to send out two young people on their own and hope that they can build something, it takes a lot of faith to quote-unquote set up a student with God and deeply believe that it will take off.

But I think God deserves our trust that he is worth falling in love with, and he doesn't need us to scare students into commitment for him.

The other phenomenon you mentioned of educators who bring such charisma to the classroom that they become a focus of attention, I think is more concerning.

And also telling me like, you're not going to find someone like with your nose ring.

I'm like, dumb like you're not a Navi what are you talking about you know but it was upsetting it was very upsetting it was very upsetting because it was basically this person being like yeah no I'm not going to help you like so today the day that you went to the Shadchan and Davin was like please please please let this be the day I'm going to do this mitzvah and that mitzvah and like go to the cavern whatever and like no today's not the day I'm not helping you I'm not interested goodbye

It's a very painful experience when you feel like your whole worth is narrowed down to boxes you don't check off.

It's also confusing when you're being taught to believe that this is the only way you'll attract the person you want if you present as someone else.

Yeah, it was an interesting time.

So I was with seven kids, divorced, and I was still living there, but they told me they would like it if I would move.

I didn't really know any Shadchanim there and also it was COVID.

It was very difficult to connect to any type of dating network formally.