Paul F. Tompkins
American comedian and actor
42
APPEARANCES
12
PODCASTS
Sep 16, 2026
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
She tells Daisy, "Get under the bed." She grabs her gun, says, "Get under the bed.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
I'm gonna go see what's going on." So she goes out with a, with a handgun, and our boys are on the prowl around the, um, the trailer park.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
She returns fire, and then one of our boys, I guess, shoots her and, like, it grazes her head.
28 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
None of the hustle and bustle of our city door, with all of its being knocked upon and walked through.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
"On Thursday, I had the great misfortune to attend one of the most horrifically irresponsible attempts at children's entertainment I have ever seen in a long career of reviewing the arts." That's the beginning.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
"Big Chunky Bubbles, real name Petey Amine." Why does he have to do that? An American bubble artist, and please know I use the word artist solely as an occupational descriptor and not as a term of respect.
7 MINS LATER
8 MINS LATER
Ed HelmsHOST
And, uh, and so I wonder, is it, is there a process to that? Do you take notes, or is it sort of effortless? Like, what is the-
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
You know what's funny about that? You and I have talked about that before, 'cause I remember it being meaningful, a meaningful compliment to me the last, last time we spoke about it.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
What's funny is I have all these quotes on my mirror, things that I try to hold in my heart, but every once in a while I'll also write, like, a joke idea.
5 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
And then I have to get a nature cam and have it stationed to always capture the squirrels eating the hazelnuts.
7 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Should Buckingham Palace be invaded and the Queen is the only one left to defend herself with her knighting sword, she does not kill herself.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Instead, she emits a high-pitched whistle [laughing] that only her, her corgis can hear.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
[laughing] And they know when they hear this particular note, they are to devour Her Majesty The Queen.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
[laughing] Leaving only a stern skeleton to look at the invaders as if to say, "You thought you were going to kill the Queen, did you? [laughing] Well, some corgis beat you to it, mate." [laughing]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
[laughs] Because someone has seen my ad in the newspaper, or they've gotten one of my leave behind postcards at a previous event, or- [laughs] ... once a month when I hire my skywriter, they've seen that in the sky.
21 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
So I dip it in there, and I start waving it around, the bubbles start forming.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
I got smaller wands that I dip into a stew, and then I make smaller bubbles to go into the other bubbles.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Maybe you're coming back from a long day of traveling or you just had a bad date.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
So high quality that Consumer Reports named Casper's The One mattress their top-rated all-foam mattress of 2026.
23 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
The punters come in and they sit their bums on the seats, and then, uh, the grease-painted, uh, players come out and they front and strut their hour upon the stage.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
And then the people forget about their dismal lives of not being millionaires and living in several castles all over the world.
20 MINS LATER
speaker_9UNKNOWN
[laughs]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
I don't know if I mentioned that before, uh, we talked, but yeah, I'm, I have a different voice now.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
But now you have what they call lightning insurance, which means that you, it's less likely that you will get struck by lightning because you know me.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
[laughing] Are people enjoying this? [laughing] [cheering] [applauding] I feel like we're really getting down into the business of what I do in an almost serious way.
1 HR 4 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
And I thought about this the other day because Scott Ackerman and I have known each other for forever and we've been doing like I've been part of that podcast since the very beginning.
56 MINS LATER
1 HR 2 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
You do three of those in the morning out of the bathtub, you'll be able to dance like Michael Jackson robot with falls in no time.
speaker_5UNKNOWN
[laughs]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
... that will extend lifespan of any living thing.And part of the creation of this machine, they used a hammer.
19 MINS LATER
speaker_10UNKNOWN
[laughs]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
When I get that hammer back, I'll finally feel like one of the normal people.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
He started in LA, and he s- he was, he wanted to do stand up and was really anxious about it, and he said, "Okay, I'm gonna give myself these little goals.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
So one week when the open mic is happening, I will walk to the club and watch the show."
40 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Timothy, how long have you been attending these classes? Uh, for, uh, four weeks and a bit.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Said, "Can you think of any time she ever said anything other than, 'Catch you later'?" And I had to rack my brains, and there was one time, one time when she was getting out of the car, car door closed too quickly.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
She didn't have time to fit in, "Catch you later," and she just quickly said, "Take it sleazy."
9 MINS LATER
speaker_12UNKNOWN
[laughs]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
I started throwing out search terms like white van, license plate [laughs] UNMRKD.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Supply and demand, yeah, there's a lot of jobs, but, uh, then, you know, are there enough sewage plants? Are there, are there things?
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
[cheering] That's about 30 people, and all I need is for each of those 30 people to just give me $1 million.
9 MINS LATER
speaker_12UNKNOWN
[laughs]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Um, and, uh, the person next to me, uh, I stopped on the show that I was on, and I can't remember what it was.
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
And, uh, uh, I was waiting to see if the person next to me was going to see that I was on the TV, and then I thought, "Well, wait a minute.
23 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Um, and he's the master of, uh, of arresting visual ads, caused people to get into car accidents, stuff like that.
speaker_6UNKNOWN
[laughing]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
But it's a fun distraction for me to talk about my early days as an inventor.
16 MINS LATER
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Sit in there, I'd have a, a little, a little candle to read by, and, uh, had my wireless radio, listening to that.
speaker_13UNKNOWN
[laughing]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Sometimes I feel like your grasp of the English language is tenuous at best'Cause look, I'm not like a Rhodes Scholar or whatever.
10 MINS LATER
speaker_15UNKNOWN
[laughs]
Paul F. TompkinsGUEST
Why would you... [laughs] The Heimlich, I feel, is, like, the number one most requested thing that you can do to someone, but, like, you would only do it if they asked you to do it, indicating, "I'm choking to death."
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