Yeah.

I think, like, especially because I'm...

I mean, you kind of get a, see on the show a little bit where, you know, I've come out of my shell more so as time has gone on.

But I, I have a harder time opening up, and I think, um, even though, like, I've definitely evolved a lot and I'm a lot more comfortable doing that, I think when it comes to, like, music, it's just a way easier way for me to do that, for me to be vulnerable and f- you know, to put it on paper and to, like, put it into words lyrically I think is something that I've always found, like, very therapeutic since I was really young.

[laughs]

Where, you know, I think reality TV can really make or break you.

I think obviously that's up to you, but I think for me, yeah, what other circumstances are you going to be put in positions where you are encouraged to have these confrontational conversations? Um, and I think as somebody who did not like confrontation, and I'm like, I was very, like, pick and choose my battles.

Like, something had to really, like, bother me for me to say something about it.

What do you think? You know what's crazy is I'm like, I still

don't know.

I think...

I've been very shocked about the whole thing because I feel like my...

I mean, we've been... best friends, we were best friends for so long and I feel like I trust my intuition a lot and I think that I just felt very blindsided by the series of events unfolding and I never felt, I've had friends where you can kind of like sense some level of like Competitiveness or like jealousy innocent and I never felt that from her.

She was always very supportive She's very like and I think you could kind of sense this on the show like but she's very like very Passive very like just timid quiet, you know, and so I feel like she would never vocalize You know if she felt that way about anything or if she you know to me I'm like if it was about the show like I why would you have not just used our friendship to get on it rather than that? You know what I mean? I'm like, doesn't seem like the way to go about it.

Like if she were like, hey, like I would, you know, came to me and like talked to me about it.

Any response to that?

Was it because you had, like, actual real-life, like, drama with the cast?

Well, yeah, like, Taylor and I weren't good at the time, and then that was, like, I'm, like, why would I...

Like I was thrown into a situation that I didn't ask for, that I didn't consent to.

Like, why would I willingly put myself back in a situation of being around this person who like, I felt like ruined my life at the time.

And so I'm like, I can't imagine that that would be, and like destroyed my mental health.

So I'm like, why would I, like, put myself in that position willingly? And that was, like, when I was going through...

Well, before I was going through my divorce, but it was...

of thing like a mom yeah yeah

Do you feel a certain pressure to, like, keep up a certain version of yourself for your audience online? Especially now because, yeah, you, you do get turned into memes and people do have things to say, and they comment, and I'm curious what that pressure feels like.

Um, no, just because I feel like, I think I've really come into, like, my, like, the most authentic version of myself, and, like, it's so nice to feel like I can just be myself.

And then it's a lot easier to, to handle criticism and hate or backlash when you, when you're like, "Well, I was being myself." Like, to me, I feel like being misunderstood was the hardest part of, like, before the show when I was just on s- social media, I think that was one of the hardest things is that I'm like, I don't think my character is being fully understood, and I think that's what was difficult.

'Cause I'm like, if, if someone hates me for, like, me being myself, I'm like, "Totally fine.

I'm just not your cup of tea." That's, like, 100%.

But if it's, like, I'm being portrayed or showing up as a version that's not myself, I, I think I, like, that's disappointing to me just because I'm like, at, at least, like, let me show you who I really am.

But I think, like, through doing the show and through, like, you know, a lot of other life experiences, I think I've really dropped a pretty hefty front that I had up for a long time.

[laughs]

But what surprised you the most once filming actually started?

Probably the fact that it wasn't as toxic as I think I was expecting.

Obviously, everyone's experience is different in that.

Like, you could ask each and every one of us that question, it would probably be very different for everyone.

However, like, as crazy and strange as it sounds, I almost feel like it's been, like, therapeutic in the sense that I think I had a lot of people-pleasing tendencies.

And in what other situation are you being put in where you are, like, forced to be confrontational on, like, a fairly consistent basis and, like, speak your feelings and, you know, set boundaries? I think it really pushes you to have to do that.

It's kinda like, all right, sink or swim.

And I think a lot of, you know, women listening and, you know, wanting their own glow up from inside out, from outside in, whatever it is that they choose to do, how do you protect your confidence in such a curated world?

Mm-hmm

...

among my life falling apart online and my marriage falling apart, and it was just a lot all at once.

Um, and yeah, you know, it's a high demand religion, and so there's...

And especially in Utah, you know, there's a lot of gossip, a lot of, um, judgment, and I think all of that was very heavy all at once.

And so I think, you know, I was deconstructing a lot in my life.

Uh, and I think that I, for a long time, was just really disappo- really worried about disappointing my family.

Really differently, yeah.