quickly.

Yeah.

And you kind of want to make sure you're handling it properly and your feet stay firmly on the ground.

It was actually very sweet.

We had this amazing cast PA at the time, Lauren Twombly, who, not sure if she wants me to first and last her, but there we go.

I love her so much.

And she was like, I think maybe you should try therapy.

Not

Like, I-

But also, I felt like her opinion was the most valuable in the room most of the time 'cause her and I would talk about, like, when we were behind closed doors, everyone else in my life, wha- whether it's my manager, my agent, my stylist, my publicist, they all have other ulterior motives that are whatever they are that are still for me, but aren't specifically personally geared towards me.

This is the only person in my life who is just there for me and my support.

And so, like, when we'd be in a s- a fitting, and, like, everyone would have their opinion, I'd look to Amelia and be like, "What do you think makes the most sense here? This is what I like.

Do you agree?" And so it, it became this kind of, like, partnership of I trust you in a way that, like, I can't trust very many other people because I know you're solely in my corner.

And watch it.

And like, the most important thing I think for me that we kinda discovered through the interview process that we did in this most recent kind of run is like, I hate to say I'm all about vibe, 'cause that sounds so like, meh, but I am kind of all about vibe.

Like, it's about the way somebody like, makes me feel when I'm sitting next to them.

And so I'm just hearing you about the indecisiveness and, and the opposite, and just wondering if that was, in some ways, a- just the reaction, right? To kind of maybe having wanted someone else to make the decision.

Yeah, I think, um, you know, in a lot of ways, I was very blessed by that, because I, for the most part, didn't really rebel against decision.

But there was a period of time in my life where I was, like, very rebellious, when I moved to LA, and I had no discipline, and no format, and no, no, like, real structure to my life.

Um, but I think that was, like, a necessary evil for me to conquer, to then decide what version of myself I wanna be.

Okay.

And I try to protect my nervous system, but it's, to me, it's like a controlled way of, like, having it be an adrenaline junkie.

It's like, I know I'm safe, but I can, like, have a little fun.

[laughing] You know what I mean? Take a little hit.

But, like, w- ca- can you talk a little bit about that and how you were able to find a way to kind of soothe your nerves and, and the steps you took to get to a place where you were able to identify that there was even an issue in the first place?

Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a, a quite dysfunctional home as a child, and so I think what I...

It all felt normal as a kid.

And then I moved to LA, and I was alone, and everybody around me wasn't experiencing that as much, the anxiety, the panic, the, um...

Kind of like I, I would catastrophize everything.

Everything was the worst thing in the world.

And that, that kind of carried into probably my early to mid-20s, and during the pandemic actually was the impetus for me to figure out what was wrong with me.

Like a physiological-

when you look back, how did the responsibility of managing your dad's emotions your entire life ultimately impact you and your fundamental core and who you became as a human being?

I remember in therapy once I said, "I'm happiest when I'm somebody else.

I'm an actor." And I think that's how.

I think, like, I had to really, I spent a lot of my life not loving myself because I was like, "If the person who made me doesn't love me, how the fuck am I supposed to love myself?" And there are still moments where that, it's not even, like, a, a conscious thought, but it's this almost, like, deep-rooted, layered, sewn into the fabric of who I am, um, like, insecurity of, like...

So it really is, like, to your point of what we were talking about earlier, taking a break and finding stillness is so important to me 'cause it's moments where I can be like, "I love myself, and I love who I am," even though right now I'm telling you, "I'm a fucking badass.

I love myself more than anyone could possibly love me on the planet." I still have moments where I'm that little Madelaine who's, like, sitting in her bed crying 'cause she thinks her dad doesn't love her.

Okay.

... of like, "You are here to bear children." I'm like, "Go fuck yourself.