Okay

...

they take all the Christmas trees.

People bring the Christmas trees to a certain spot, and then they bring these mulchers, and they, like, hand out bags and, and they just, you know, the trees get chopped into mulch, and it's called Mulch Fest.

I've never been to Mulch Fest.

I'm new to New York City.

So, uh, I said...

Yes.

Explain.

The Baby Brawl is an ancient tradition.

Over the centuries, there have been a special few very young people blessed with beautiful facial hair.

We fuzzy tots have been shunned by society, forced to live by our own rules and traditions, but our lineage is long and proud and includes such luminaries as the Dutch philosopher Tyke with a Van Dyke and the medieval muralist Cherub with a Chinstrap.

Some say our origins are even older, dating all the way back to the mythical Cave Baby with a big, bushy beard.

Where'd I go?

[gasps] Oh no, he's gone.

Where did he go? Oh, I don't like this.