Jay Stringer

But I think often when we talk about one spouse feels used by another in a sexual context, oftentimes it's women feeling used by the husband, though there can be reversals on that.

Yeah, because I think the stat is like, I think this was a Jay Stringer book, like talking about like 80%.

And it can go.

But when it comes to like sexual drive, and men and women, it's different.

He's been on the show.

Also, Jay Stringer, he talks about how sex is designed to reveal, to provoke and to heal.

And so you're never going to be in a romantic relationship and it not trigger the wounds in you.

But I do think that if we give single and dating people a better framework for what does it mean to engage your story, take ownership of your brokenness and show up to receive grace and healing from another person.

It's not specific to LGBTQ, but it's for any kind of unwanted sexual behavior.

The name of the book is Unwanted by Jay Stringer.

And he actually has his, he's a therapist that has his clients look at the nature of what it is that they're struggling with as the clue to the root of what needs healing.

And so I think realizing that heterosexuality is not the goal.

it's like, we need to hear that over and over again.

Jay Stringer, thanks so much.

Matt, so good to be with you.

At Farmers, we go out of our way to keep you in the know.

Unwanted porn use begins a bit more of an accident.

Current and ongoing taps into the story that Jay Stringer talks about.

They are going to those... images, those storylines, that content, that creator, because it's tapping into something that's going on right now.

I'll give you an example of a non-porn related thing.

This becomes especially important when dealing with compulsive porn use or someone who has tried repeatedly to stop watching porn that finds themselves unable to quit.

Jay Stringer has conducted significant research into the relationship between a person's present-day pornography use and past trauma.

He found that pornography users scored 24% higher on his sexual abuse scale than non-pornography users.

This indicates that the trauma suffered by an individual leads to struggles with pornography later in life.

I think perhaps there w- there was some benefit finally in, he was a guy I trusted, and I was able to get a more specific about.

And I think as Jay Stringer has pointed out, I can learn a lot about my own wounding and my own inner architecture by looking frankly at what it is that I find appealing.

So there's some therapeutic value there, but it's a hard place, it's a hard thing to get honest about.

So if, is that part of your motivation for not giving that much detail is it to make it easier to step into the conversation where you can then go deeper?

... more than getting in the weeds.

Yeah.

You brought up the, the Jay Stringer stuff, the arousal template piece.

Right.

There's so many amazing voices in the recovery space today.

And what I keep hearing is Dan Allender and I keep hearing the books that are like, go back to your desire and understand Jay Stringer's books and go back to your desire and understand what this was.

And there's probably something inside that is still being unmet in healthy ways.

And so I think you've answered that question to the guy who says, Jake, I'm a strong believer, but I'm still struggling.

And, um, and if we can get used to being, you know, more communicative in, in terms of what's really going on with us, what we're really feeling and everything, yeah, on the, on the back end, it really will pay some dividends.

We had our good friend Jay Stringer on, uh, back in May, and, uh, he, he has such a cool approach to just having compassion for those parts that pop up that are very unstable.

And it makes me think of my own journey that I shared with you guys a little bit, where I was talking about this one incident that happened, what made me go, "What the hell, the hell was that? How far have, you know, I really gone?" And versus being able to say, "Wow, I've come so far that this is an anomaly, that it's not just the regular everyday thing that it was.

Wow, that's pretty cool." And then also, what is the opportunity that this incident is presenting? And almost that question of what's coming up for healing right here.

I mean, heck, because, you know, they're trying to make it better.

They try to-- Even they can't handle the intensity, I think, a lot of times, and so they give bad advice.

Our, our pastors or leaders or friends, it's well-meaning, but that phase of it is so hard.

But at any given day, I can go from, "I'm really determined to do the right thing.