But the list goes on.

I've been pretty deep into, like, Shrek meme culture specifically for not really as much now, but some of my earliest pieces and viral comedy projects were Shrek related.

This would have gone back to when I was working at The Boston Globe years and years ago w- at my first writing job.

I went to see Shrek the Musical five times in a row, five days in a row, and wrote kind of this long essay of a regional production.

And I sort of wrote about the, like, induced psychosis that this caused.

That was really fun.

I mean, I really do genuinely love Shrek the Musical, but I did a pro...

Like, is there any infighting, or, like, generally, what is the us versus them dichotomy that the Shrek fandom poses, if there is one?

... you're ahead of your time

... skaters are also so fascinating to me.

Like, my friend was covering a skating competition a couple years ago, uh, upstate, and I, I w- I went with her 'cause I was curious.

And it, it was like a junior skating competition, so there was this so, such a talented like 11-year-old kid doing a really serious, um, Godfather/Succession mashup routine.

Yeah

... um, is, is available for pre-sale now.

It's called The Tower.

Um, and it is about, um, an objectum sexual woman who, uh, falls in love with a building that she designs.

Why did you make this decision? Because as long as I've known you, you've been someone who takes the bus everywhere.

Yeah.

Proudly and loudly taking the bus.

I think at some point I just I made it like I was I was taking the bus as a political choice when it was I just didn't want to drive.

I don't know.

Now that the second I drove, I was like, I think I can just be honest and be like, it was just easier to live off Sunset.

I moved to Burbank and I was afraid I was never going to see anybody ever again.

Have you explored drive-thrus at all? Like what that experience is like?

And you tell us what it is.

I can.

Yeah, this is...

I was hoping to have an edgier opinion when I was doing all of my research, but most or many hot dog aficionados have said that the best hot dog in the country, and I agree, is at Rutt's Hut in New Jersey.

It is just... an incredible an incredible hot dog you can get it it's it's a no frills business on the side of the highway the business is sort of hanging off the highway a lot of good i one of my hot dog hot takes is that everywhere that brags about having good hot dogs go the state over and they're better i think jersey hot dogs much better than new york hot dogs California hot dogs are really, really good.

But I think Arizona is slept on as a great hot dog hub.

I think if you've got a great dog, you don't have to brag about it.

fried?

Okay.

They're gonna work.

So investigators uncovered a 10-year, $12 million ticket scam involving bribes of museum employees, tickets reused multiple times per day, and groups of tourists being split up to avoid paying an extra fee.

[laughs] Of course

... "Sure.

It's a museum.

Why not?" The Bunny Museum in Altadena, RIP.

Like, just a married couple that ha- that l- were obsessed with bunnies.

Yeah.

There, two things are an issue at the end.

In the last scene, they finally end up together, and they're like, "Let's wait for next year." Huh.

Like, and then they, we fast-forward to the next year to ensure that they've continued to obey the law, which they have.

But in the last scene where they decide not to have sex, uh, there, there's also some of the most diabolical Dunkin' Donuts coffee acting I've ever seen in my life.

Very nice, yeah.

They, a lot of prominent Totino's.

Um, but a- at the end, yeah, Dua Lipa's husband comes running with, like, her coffee order, and he's like, "I got this for you." And then he goes like, whoosh.

Yeah.

There...

Two things are, uh, an issue at the end.

In the last scene, they finally end up together, and they're like, "Let's wait for next year." Huh.

Like, and then they, we fast-forward to the next year to ensure that they've continued to obey the law, which they have.

But in the last scene where they decide not to have sex, uh, they're, there's also some of the most diabolical Dunkin' Donuts coffee acting I've ever seen in my life.

Uh, is there a work of media you've been enjoying?

Yes.

That's the third prequel.

That's the third prequel where, uh, Ewan McGregor's screaming in the lava pit, and, and Hayden what's-his-name is crawling, like, army crawling around, and Natalie Portman's just, like, pregnant in a room the whole movie.

[laughs] She's just crying pregnant in a room.

Um, I l- I loved that one because that was when I was trying to be a Hot Topic kid, and at least then, I don't know if this has always been true, but they, they were really trying to push Darth Vader as, like, their, the new, like, as Jack Skellington, basically.

So Babu Frik is queer.

Babu Frik, we don't know.

Shirley Henderson thinks he's straight and, uh, like, has had a lot...

Like, she gave this interview around the time the movie came out because this was around the time they were, like, green-lighting anything for Disney+.

Do they have an I didn't realize do they have an odor like a musk odor? They do, yeah.

I volunteer and we were previously trying to like, I mean, Dude Wipes made a donation and we were trying to like distribute the Dude Wipes and everyone was like, I'm good.

Like no one wants them.

Yeah, Joey Chestnut was one of the only sponsors who was not shy about being like, I wipe my butt with these.

I use these for my butt.

I think some of them are like in a masculine way, I freshen up.

But Joey Chestnut's like, this is going straight to my butthole after 76 hot dogs.

Was the machine Navi coded at all or was it just... kind of stuck in there among the trees.

As the hot dog queen, for lack of a better expression in America, do you have a ceiling that you set on how much you're willing to spend, even on a hot dog that you hear is the best in the land? Is there a ceiling?

I think for me, I mean, I would certainly not pay $74 for a hot dog.

At that point, I'm like, you're defeating the purpose of the dish.

The dish is to be quick, delicious, and under, if I'm being generous with inflation, a nice hot dog for me tops out around $12.

That's the highest I think that I would pay for a good hot dog with a nice, like a King's Hawaiian bun, something fancy.

still eating dogs is my question.

I, in fact, had one last night.

You did? Yes.

Yes,

they did.

But it's so, I mean, it's like, that's not shocking.

And then you read about the individual cases of how individual workers and families were affected by that.

And it's stuff that is like truly... sickening to have to face on a very human level.

And that's not to speak of how they treat the animals.

And so I think I had to reach a point where I was really hoping by the end, I'm like, I'm going to be such a good person by the time I finish writing this book.

Then you have Auntie Anne's.

regularly arrest people who do stuff like that at protests and then they get released the next morning like right this is like a whole thing 30 years

It really does feel like in the most terrifying, like, life-destroying ways, they're trying to make an example of protesters.

Like you're saying, Jonathan, to scare people.

Because I think back to, you know, five or six years ago at the original, the first wave of George Floyd protests and Breonna Taylor protests, I mean...

I got arrested.

Everyone I knew got arrested at these protests and they were terrifying.

But there was that sort of momentum.

again between people who don't know each other this isn't like a big this wasn't a big terrorist attack it was a protest

Did you watch The Dog? No, I didn't see his last one.

He's amazing.

Yeah, character, Paul Reubens, both great little guys.

Yeah, I was like, I mean, I grew up watching, we had the VHS set of Pee Wee, and so I would watch every single episode 5,000 times.

I was completely obsessed with him.

And then when he passed away a couple of years ago, Um, they like his house was on the market and I psychotically made up a whole backstory about because his house was on the market for like 10, like whatever, a lot of money, like $7 million or something.

So I sort of like just made up.

Prove to us it's not for that guy that we can see out

Yeah

... a single, there's an element of false feminism.

There is an element of capitalizing on male loneliness.

There's a class element to it.

There's indentured labor.

There's forced labor.

There's a tech element.

Jamie, you got any pluggables here?

Uh-huh

... stand-up, sketch, and improv, one of the most evil things you can do.

And on, uh, uh, in the stand-up classes, the first day would always be just that.

To be, you, you would have to get on stage.

I never took it, but I, I wa- I watched.

Uh, each student who just wants to put themselves out there-

It's a bummer.

It's not, it's, it is really, uh, sad, and I know it's, like, not necess- I, it does feel, like, very American to, like, monetize the idea of community like this.

All right, we're done.

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No.

It is such a...

I worked in the Comptroller's office for a couple summers in college, and it is, it is full of either very petty people who will, like, beat a non-issue into the ground, or people like Mark Luke encounters that are just like, "If you say so."

Like... [laughs]

Right.

It's so, it's, like, such a, like, I don't wanna, like, discount, like, I'm sure he was in deep grief.

I can't imagine, like, everyone around you dying from the same disease and feeling like your death is inevitable.

But then it's also, like, what kind of person then capitalizes on that? Like, and, and takes advantage of this horrible thing.

[laughs]

And, uh, so I, I made sure that he followed through on his pro- promise and that I, I got to ride the Zamboni at the game.

So I [laughs] finally got to, um, like to nail down a date.

He was super helpful and super nice.

And I made, like, a custom jumpsuit.

Did you have a cutout for where your tattoo is?

[laughs] I wish I did.

There is...

'Cause like you can like, you can sort of y- y- you can incapacitate your enemies and then like extract them to your base, or you can just off them

themIs this what I sound like when I'm trying to explain, uh, uh, like Little Shop of Horrors?

It's like, profit share?

It's really cool.

Like, I, I feel like there's, [scoffs] uh, at, at Drop...

Like, everyone's always like, "Well, what's the secret?" You're like, "They tell you what the secret is." [laughs]

She merely helps them, quote, "Change sexual behaviors." Um-

That is...

Uh, that was my... 'Cause I, I was not keeping up with this story prior to this morning, and, um, it is so unsurprising that it's like, oh, every time this comes back around, there's just a new name for it.

Yeah.

Uh, and, and you can tell they immediately...

Man, media is so beautiful and demented, uh, 'cause that story broke and, uh, uh, al- already my algorithm is covering up this story by saying, "Joe and Jill Biden adopted a new dog." I was like, "Two-"

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Welcome to Santa University 9.

I'm Molly Conger, and I'm thrilled to be joining the cast of Santa University this year as Glory Hole Santa.

We got the marriage rights.

And we started...

We would do that over every, like, boy protagonist in a mo- We, we also did it over...

There's a movie called Casper: A New Beginning, and there was a identical-looking boy that we were, we were just h- we would hi-yah each other for this, like, you know, mysterious child's hand in marriage.

Uh, so I remember Miss Piggy in that, Muppet Christmas Carol.

I feel like the- I saw the movies before I saw the, ever saw the TV show.

Look at those yams.

There's the, (laughs) there was, there's the line.

Like, that's so ... (laughs) That's nuts.

I mean, 'cause it is also telling.

Like, when you think about it, Urkel had 20-something million for a few years in America versus 235 globally, and you're like, "Oh f-" That's why I feel like children now, like you show a kid in wherever, or most places, like, "Do you know this character?" And they'd be like, "Miss Piggy." And I'm like, "Do you know who this is?" And they're like, "That's a man with suspenders on."

God.

Yeah.

But yeah, I just remember, I was so deaf because I, I just felt like he was the Muppets.

Truly.

Even like as a kid I knew they were fucking puppets, but I still could connect that like all things were possible through his work and the other people he worked with.

Yeah.

It's been a great ...

It's been a great week for like weird old guys who (laughs) we could argue had p- have peaked creatively.

Although, I wouldn't say that for Scorsese, but there was a great quote that was floating around in the last couple of days where I guess Scorsese said on, uh, The Killers of the Flower Moon press tour that he was like always worried about running out of time and he never knew what his last movie would be.

Oh, yeah.

... financially.

Like, I wonder which direction he's going to go in.

Is he going to be hyper cautious? Is he going to play it safe? Is he going to be self-reflective at all? Or is he gonna double down on the falling for it kind of stuff? I don't, I, I genuinely don't know, because I just, like, it's very hard to discern what kind of person that, like, it seems like he's certainly, you know, like, high on his own supply and is like, "Well, you know, of course anyone could've fallen for it." But he is sort of conceding to the fact that he fell for it.

(laughs)

This...

So, so what happened was Selena Gomez needed a kidney donated.

Her close friend who works in the industry, I don't know who it was but I guess she's like sort of famous, gave her a kidney a couple years ago.

Then Selena Gomez turns around a couple weeks ago and says, "I have no friends in the industry except Taylor Swift." In comes her kidney donor being like, "Oh, that's interesting 'cause I'm one kidney lighter." Dude, like I'm not quoting it, but yeah.

So I think he's screwed.

Okay.

That's, that was my instinct as well, 'cause I feel like he doesn't even have...