Mm.

Uh, you know, with that attention.

Whereas like here, here I'm a bit of a mantra chauvinist and [laughs] I'll, I'll, I'll be out with that, is that as I do think like, um, th- they're, you know, where mantras in, in even other languages besides Sanskrit, so there I'm not a Sanskrit chauvinist, but I, I, I think they, they're cloaked in something of the subtle and, and w- which is, you know, more so than say the breath and, and more so than say fire.

I, I, I, I think that there's, there's something charming and, and, and some- somehow inherently more connected, uh, you know, to, to something of, of the source, you know, than other things.

In, in other words, I don't think they work because they're, they're simply like, um, in an arbitrary sense where like, you know, I could use Coca-Cola as a mantra as, as one of the students of Sailor Bob Adamson once suggested [laughs] I do.

Saying like, "Just think Coca-Cola mate," uh, to me.

And, and I'm not, you know, I didn't do that for a year, so I can't really say if, you know, it w- it would have the, the same or different effect.

Hmm

place that fit very well.

Anyways, I found myself three months after learning this thing in an ashram, and I wasn't really necessarily in it to get a name.

Most people were getting Sanskrit names.

I didn't, oddly.

I wasn't in it for that.

I didn't think I needed to have any kind of external signs or... ceremonies or anything like that because like yeah what's the point you know it's it's the work you're doing right now that that's real but that said you know i don't know it was one two three four maybe five maybe four months into into my uh my time there i i got the bug i just i just got in a non-rational way like i want to have myself a ceremony because you know you would you would um fast for three days and be silent the fasting was no problem for me because i was used to that already, but this being silent for a full three days, that was a good, that was a good challenge.

And then you, the first thing you speak out after the three days are these, are these vows essentially.

Like you said, they're holding on, they're still holding on to, in a way that they're almost solipsistic like that that their god that they don't want to surrender that they have this essence of control which we do i understand we do but i think when you're the sock puppet there's a huge there's a huge essence of surrender that you have to deal with because it's like that means something else is something else is playing your role you know what i'm saying like there's there's something inside the sock

And you didn't normally do that.

No, I always did.

I always normally, I always normally did that, yeah.

And but then the next morning, I woke up like, like a cartoon character.

So, and what, what I mean by that is I felt like, I, I felt like I ran into my body, and I sprung up gasping.

And, and it was at the, right at the moment that they were walking right in front of my open door, so I could see them, and I just shouted at them, you know, "There's something I've gotta tell you," you know, twice.

"There, there's something I've gotta tell you." And then I got frustrated because it was as if I was trying to reach in my back pocket for the message, and it was gone.

... 20 and 31 from, from what you said.