But why do you think parents struggle with boundaries so much?

Parents, modern parents are struggling with boundaries, if we put it really, really simply, because we've taken away the tools that we've used to set them forever.

So forever and a day, the way that we've set boundaries is through a behaviouralist approach to discipline, which is essentially that either I... give you something in order to behave.

I give you connection or a reward or stick a chart.

But mostly in the past, we did the opposite.

We took something away.

We took away connection or love.

Like how do you actually hold firm and set that boundary?

It's

actually a PDF that you stick on your fridge.

It's just a bumper sticker.

Yeah.

So whether your child is asking something of you or doing something, the only question I think we need to ask is, does this work for me? Does this work for my child? And I think that question is really, really important.

And it's not a question that we've I think encourage parents, modern parents, to think.

And I think that it's really important we start with that question because whether it is your child asking for a biscuit, does this work for me? Does the biscuit work for me? Does the biscuit work for my child? It gives you that distilled answer.

But I can already see in platonic relationships, you know, you're just like, oh, I want you to

It's

actually a PDF that you stick on your fridge.

It's just a bumper sticker.

Yeah.

So whether your child is asking something of you or doing something, the only question I think we need to ask is, does this work for me? Does this work for my child? And I think that question is really, really important.

And it's not a question that we've I think encourage parents, modern parents, to think.

And I think that it's really important we start with that question because whether it is your child asking for a biscuit, does this work for me? Does the biscuit work for me? Does the biscuit work for my child? It gives you that distilled answer.

But I can already see in platonic relationships, you know, you're just like, oh, I want you to

I can feel

it.

So I truly believe, right, whether your child is 2 or 3 or 15, I had to tell a 15-year-old last night, honestly, it's bedtime, like no more, in bed, right? I believe that there is this thing where they will always say, no, I don't want to go to bed, I don't want that limit, I don't want this to end, whatever it is.

And there's more to that.

So why will a 2-year-old not want to go to sleep? Because it's hard to wind down, because it's hard to say goodbye to you, whatever, right? I believe that our job is to say I get that you don't want to go to bed.

This is the limit.

You don't have to like it.

Please.

know no

no don't tell me no no i saw you you know what i work with people and they'll be going oh my god my kids started kindergarten at school and like the behavior and the meltdowns and the all this stuff is happening or they've gone backwards in their toileting or you know where the stuff we're saying or they're hitting their sibling and i say yeah well we're expecting that would be ongoing for about a year they go is there a fast path and i'm like no because they're learning like a whole new language and they're adjusting and when we bring home a sibling it's the same so On one hand, two things are true in that adjusting to the sibling in itself is huge at four.

Like it is so big.

And then I think on top of that, our kids are their truth detectives and they're so, we forget that they sort of came out of us and they read so much.

And I think for kids.

something like a diagnosis whether it's in a sibling in us even like we get a bad mammogram and for a week we're panicking about that next scan our kids will pick up on the feelings and I know because I've listened to the episode of what you guys went through and it was enormous and even when he's not seeing much of you he hears the words of grandparents he feels the worry of what is going to happen and how is this all going to work out? And thank goodness it all did.

And it's just that process.

out the door.

Mm.

Which is kind of like, um, the question we're now asking, how do I- How do- I know all that, but how do I be that person- Mm ...

in the moment when I'm tired, and I'm juggling work, and there's demands everywhere, and you're trying to regulate through your kids' emotions and do something that wasn't modeled for you? Mm.

So it is incredibly hard.

The thing I would want modern parents to know just at the outset is the fact we are sitting on the couch reflecting at all- Mm ... is so cool.

It is the first generation to do it.

Mm.

Mm.

[laughs]

But my view is whatever you send, it goes on top of- Yes ... whatever source.

That's my view.

I'm not an idiot.

Absolutely.

So the boys arrived.

I searched all the bags.

Freddy wouldn't have been able to leave that one down.

Yeah

... after a big day.

In the same way as we might, like, watch Netflix to kind of just tune out, and that can be, that can be healthy and fine, particularly for neurodivergent kids, particularly for kids that are adjusting to things, particularly for se- sensitive kids or sensory kids.

This is part of what they do.

So, yeah, they're gonna melt down, so we expect that.

And once we expect it, we can do some things to help them out with it.

Number one, make your rules really clear and concrete, and, like, write them on the fridge.

Yeah.

So my first question is, how can parents tell the difference between a child that genuinely is needing more connection and like normal toddler behavior that might just look like they're wanting more attention? That makes sense.

Yes.

Gosh, so much I want to say.

So much we want to learn.

I would like to reframe the whole thing because we are parenting in a generation of kind of intensive parenting.

So all posts have shifted and what we're expecting from ourselves as parents is not only not doable for a parent of one child who's working and juggling the demands of modern life, It is definitely not possible to sort of parent in this way that we're almost idealizing, this kind of intensively parenting every emotion and kind of connecting with our kids in every moment.

That concept that we've got, that's definitely not going to work for multiples.

It's all on my end.

whatever all the other words

conscious parenting i'm not a connected parent i'm just a parent i'm just me and you're just you is how i view it um connected parenting is based in a parenting style we know from the literature is best for kids which is authoritative parenting.

So most of us were raised with authoritarian parenting.

And this is a shift from that that just brings more connection into the beautiful boundaries that kids need.

So why connection? Quick story that might be nice to hear, but many, many years ago, I had two little kids.

I was learning how to be a parent and my eldest, you know, he was a deep feeling, strongly advocating for his needs and, Wild little thing that had a lot of meltdowns, a lot of big feelings.

He was the kind of kid that would get to the park and push everybody backwards off the slide so he could go down first.

A good toddler

Mm

... and there's nothing to worry about.

And it might be something else that's going on.

One of the best things I think we can do in terms of coaching our kids, if they're having a repeated struggle with joining, maintaining friendships, joining in groups, being included in games, we wanna sort of build on two things.

So one, I talk to my kids about being a, a friend detective, and I love this idea, but I sent my eldest in, and I've done it with all of my four boys ever since, when they're having a struggle point.

And rather than saying, "Just go play with someone nice."

Mm.

How do we know it's bullying? When it is targeted, when there is a power difference, so if one kid, for whatever reason, has more power over, and when it is relentless.

Yeah.

Yeah.Sometimes parents will think, "Well, isn't that just rewarding the bad behavior?" If you've got, you know, for people with young children, it might be one child that constantly picks on a sibling.

For older children, it might be just a child being difficult or undermining constantly to another kid, and you just wanna go, "Why are you being mean? What is wrong with you?" All that stuff.

But if we start with, let's start with getting it in there and kind of just filling that emotional cup, and from that place of connection, we can then, I think, have a chat about, "I'm noticing that this mornings are not going well-

Mm.

If you don't have a sibling, the way that kids will draw you in, it'll be that other thing you care deeply about.

So, it will be, kids will go after the dog.

They will get really fussy around eating.