you.

If you are attacked in the conversation, instead of getting defensive, ask yourself, where the hell is that coming from? that will keep you from responding negatively to the trigger.

Notice I didn't say don't get triggered in the conversation because that's a physical impossibility.

You are going to get triggered.

But you've got space in between that stimulus and your response to make a determination on how you're going to respond.

And so instead of responding with anger, respond with, hmm, there's more there.

There's something else going on here.

Associated with identity.

are you kidding of course

um way back a long time ago long time ago um I was a street cop.

And when I first started as a police officer, I was hard to contain.

I was all over the place.

I was stopping everybody.

I was writing tickets everywhere.

I was locking people up left and right.

like to shout out to Wayne here who always asks me to stop interrupting him.

So, like, let's say, for example, if, uh, to, to avoid arguing or escalating arguments with a spouse or a friend or a business partner, what would you say, Derek, are some things we should keep in mind?

First of all, y- you have to understand that if the words I want or I need is in your head or in the head of the person with whom you're engaging, you are a threat to them.

There's no way around that.

You're a psychological threat to them, and if you are a psychological threat, that means that negative emotions and negative dynamics are present.

If negative emotions and negative dynamics are present, what's supposed to be going on in the prefrontal cortex is being impeded.

It's not-- Your...

The brain is just not functioning at its maximum proficiency, and so they can't, air quote, "hear you." And, and realistically, what the conventional wisdom is, if I think someone can't hear me, then it's time for me to push harder, talk louder, explain more.

Yeah

So, like, let's say, for example, if, uh, to, to avoid arguing or escalating arguments with a spouse or a friend or a business partner, what would you say, Derek, are some things we should keep in mind?

First of all, y- you have to understand that if the words I want or I need is in your head or in the head of the person with whom you're engaging, you are a threat to them.

There's no way around that.

You're a psychological threat to them, and if you are a psychological threat, that means that negative emotions and negative dynamics are present.

If negative emotions and negative dynamics are present, what's supposed to be going on in the prefrontal cortex is being impeded.

It's not...

Your, the brain is just not functioning at its maximum proficiency, and so they can't, air quote, "hear you," and, and realistically, what the conventional wisdom is, if I think someone can't hear me, then it's time for me to push harder, talk louder, explain more, and the more you do that, the more you reinforce those negative emotions and dynamics.

Yeah