but I basically had

grown up my whole life just being the opposite right like I was boy obsessed I was boy drunk I my whole my whole life just revolved around trying to find a boyfriend I like you know would go to brunches my friend all the time it would be like the only thing I would talk about would be like the shitty guy was in a situationship and analyzing the text and I would, you know, wait at home and not make plans just in case he would message.

And my whole, everything that I did revolved around whoever it was I was at that time, like messaging or into or seeing or trying to get attention from.

And it just year after year, I ended up in just like so many, just like awful situationships and like weird things with guys where they would just like treat me like shit and like not show up and say they were going to, do things and lie to me and gaslight.

And it was just like, I just had continuously really awful experiences.

And then When I moved to Melbourne and started this job and started like learning, I also started seeing a psychologist for the first time because I just, it was never really something that I ever thought that I would need, right? You think that, oh, I need to be like severely depressed or have some sort of like mental health issue.

But because I was now surrounding myself with week in, week out, like, you know, all these therapists and psychologists and I really learned how valuable actually just talking about things with a therapist is.

And yeah, it can be not a very interesting part of me and I don't need to discuss it all the time because I can guarantee if roles were reversed, people wouldn't really be as interested if they are in a relationship or not and the like ins and outs of their relationship.

Mm.

Because you've got hook-up culture, which has kind of normalized together with dating apps, like, this idea that people are disposable and everything's really low-effort now and no one...

Is really noncommittal.

And I think that has meant that a lot of people feel like they're not really in dating and relationships, feeling like they're having these, like, vulnerable, intimate relationships with people where they feel like they're actually being seen.

And so, yeah, there's a lot of ghosting and a lot of rejection.

And yeah, most people are...

Like, I think it, the research came out that was like historically now y- that younger generation are, like, the most single historically that we've ever been.

... firm?

something you had to like be active about or was it more like I'm going to stop being active about like?

At the start it was like, yeah, it was like forced.

And then it got to a point where even coming out of lockdowns, I was like, no, I'm, this is so peaceful.

Like I had just spent so much of my life just like chasing that constant, like dopamine hit from dating or hooking up with guys or like messaging or being on the apps.

And genuinely, I feel like it broke my brain.

And then when I, like, went into lockdown and, like, had all this time to myself to just, like, journal and read and just chill, I was like, oh, my God, whoa.

Like, this is actually so nice.

What do you mean by that?

Mm.

Um, and then, yeah, it got to, like, around three years.

I was living with my best friend Brendan at the time, and I just, like, I just felt ready.

I just, like, woke up, and we, like, had this convo I remember in the lounge room, and I was just like to him, "I think I'm ready." Like, I feel really good in myself.

I felt like a completely different person.

I felt like I'd done so much work, and I felt really secure and confident, and I felt like I had so much more self-worth than what I'd done, what I had before.

... on, like, how do you get to a point where you're content having absolutely no attention at all from the male species? Because I, I would love to get to that point

pointI think you've gotta find out what you're trying to feel, right? So like, for me, I'm just thinking about my experience.

And people really have responded to that dedication.

dedication.Yeah, I, I talk about the fact that when I was 17, in particular, I was at a point in my life where I was so desperate for a boyfriend, right? Like, I had been single all my life.

I'd seen so many of my friends get into relationships, or they had some sort of something with some guy, or they were hooking up with a guy, and I had never really, you know, been with a guy, never dated a guy.

And I was just so desperate and felt so much shame around that for a boyfriend that I, you know, the, the first guy that kinda came along and ended up being my boyfriend, I, I put everything onto him.

I put this, you know, I put him on this pedestal, and I put all these expectations on him, and I ditched my friends, and I dropped out of uni, and I, you know, traveled for hours to go and see him, 'cause he lived down south from where I lived in Perth.

And I just, yeah, for months and months and months, kind of centered him around my universe.

And then we went through this massive car accident together.

How on earth can you promise something like that?

Wow

... and it took two years all up to kind of recover.

Like, it was a really, really massive accident.

And my expectation was because I had assumed like, yeah, your romantic partner is everything, and at that point I had kind of made him everything.

I had dropped out of uni.

We were talking about moving in together.

We'd only been together for seven months.

[laughs]

Yeah

...

in a way that I was like, "Oh, my God," like, I, I actually really love this, and there's, like, peace, and there's contentment, and there's no anxiety, and I'm not, like, constantly being ghosted or let down or disappointed.

And at the time, boy sober wasn't a term that had been coined, but I was like, "I'm gonna be intentionally on my own now and just, you know, really make sure that I'm not having sex with..." I didn't have sex for a year and a half, then I had sex with someone, then I didn't have sex for a year and a half again.

And I just spent so much of that time, like, nurturing parts of myself that I hadn't nurtured since I was, like, even before teenage years, you know, things that I felt really passionate about and really loved, like drawing and writing-

Mm

... based off of a, a lot of the time, like, the response that they'll get from people around them.

But yeah, as you know, like, it i- it can be one of the best things that'll ever happen to you.

Yes

... "Oh my God, this is my experience." Uh, and then yeah, I, I got to such an incredible place in myself where I was so happy and so content, and I just remember that year, that was the year that I met Darcy.

And I was just so happy on my own, and I lived with my best friend, and he was, like my platonic life partner, and I genuinely could see myself for the rest of my life just having that, right? Like, having the relationships I had with my friends and myself and, um, yeah, it just, it really set me up for, I think, a mindset of not searching desperately for a relationship, which I had done pretty much my whole entire life.

And I know it's corny, but it kind of felt like that was the mindset I needed to be in-

We always finish an Inherited episode on one final question, though, and it's what do you intend on passing on, and who are you passing it on to?

I think that-What I would like to pass on, and hopefully this is what people take away from my book as well, is that it's so important to just take a moment and to really reflect and critically think about what you actually want, and maybe do a bit of unpacking around that.

Like, what do you actually want for yourself, for your life, for your relationships? And what is something that people have just told you that you need and that you should want? Like, try and figure out what is outside noise and things that you've kind of been socially conditioned to think that you need and want for your life, and figure out, like, what is truly authentic to you.

Mm

... and we've covered every single topic under the sun that you could possibly imagine, and that's been such a privilege about The Hook Up is that there is nothing that we can't talk about.

And I think it is one of the only podcasts in mainstream Australian media where we can have those really vulnerable and difficult conversations and talk about taboo topics.

And yeah, I d- I feel, I do feel quite sure that if anything, I have enough, I've learnt enough to be able to, to share that with the world.

Yeah

... warped and changed myself constantly just to try and get any sort of love and affection and attention.

And I think that this is the book that I wish I had had.

And so I would probably just impart, like, everything that I've, I've put in the book to my younger self.