Cycle of abuse

Yeah.

So the cycle of abuse, it's frustratingly routine.

Yeah.

Which is it builds and it builds and it builds and then there's a big explosion.

Yeah.

What's this concept of the cycle of abuse? What does that mean? And does it always kind of follow a predictable cycle?

Yeah.

So the cycle of abuse is kind of a recurring pattern that we see in abusive relationships.

And it kind of looks something like this.

There is an abusive incident.

To know that you love a person and also you maybe feel shame for knowing that you've stayed through some things that you maybe don't want people to know about or things that you maybe thought that you would never stay through.

And so there's a lot of, I think, conflicting emotions in that.

The point of this episode is to teach that being in these sort of toxic relationships aren't cute.

That being in this sort of relationship are in fact scary because you're constantly in this cycle of abuse.

You're in this cycle of walking on eggshells then the smallest thing triggers your partner to hit you or scream at you and then after you fight they ask for forgiveness and they give you flowers to get you all happy again That cycle of up and down is not going through a hard time together.

It's a toxic cycle, which is not just a short time, but rather the whole relationship.

And that's one side of things.

The other side is if we talk about the cycle of abuse.

So we have the power and control wheel and then the cycle of abuse cycle of abuse.

It's like every time that I worked with a victim, it was the same story every time.

Like the relationship is really good.

There are too many things that I would have to list out about everything that you have accomplished in your career.

But a lot of people know what the cycle of abuse is, right? And they also know what the batter woman syndrome is, right? So those are two really important things that really began to shift how we looked at domestic abuse in general.

And so I'm so glad you're here.

And thank you so much.

A lot of people...

You've

been around for so long that a lot of people don't even really know that much about you personally, right? They know the cycle of abuse.

They know what you've done, but they don't

In addition, towards the end of our conversation, Betsy and I discuss domestic violence and dating violence, which is particularly timely as October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

It's an important reminder of the role our institutions and school districts play in recognizing and responding to domestic DV and also supporting those impacted as well as a small primer on the cycle of abuse and the issues and challenges we see in DV cases.

Whether you listened when this first aired four years ago or this is your first time hearing it, I think you'll find the conversation particularly relevant given the issues receiving attention today.

So without further ado, here's my conversation with Betsy.

I've learned a lot from you because of what you learned as being a DV prosecutor.

Anything you can share with us that would be helpful, I know it's a whole class, but on statistics, on things that would be helpful for Title IX coordinators to understand, and especially investigators and decision makers, because these are such complex cases.

Yeah, so our coordinators and professionals should be really prepared to address these situations with complainants or individuals who have experienced the sexual harassment to recant or initially report something and then say, never mind, I don't want you to do anything about it because they're in this repetitive cycle of abuse.

We're even seeing it at the late elementary school, early middle school, and all through high school ages that the behavior or the patterns of behavior are continuing.

But what your body already knows, even when your mind is still hoping, is that- It keeps going back to where it once was.

So one small thing sets it off again, and the repair is not a foundation, it's just a pause in the cycle of abuse.

I used to map out the cycle of abuse.

I would write down what happened, what I said, what the response was, how it escalated, when calm came, how long it lasted, when it started again.

And honestly, as exhausting as all that just sounded, doing that was one of the most clarifying things I did because the pattern on paper looked nothing like what it felt when I was in the middle of it.

One song that comes to mind is Amor Que Mata by Grupo Extra.

This song can't be any more explicit on their topic, especially when they said, This whole verse is a cycle of abuse.

If you don't know what that is, it goes like this.

Step one, the tension.

But when you least expect it, you're back to step one and it goes in circles.

Cupra Extra explores why people stay in this cycle with the lyric, y pensando que algún día va a cambiar.

That hope that they will change keeps survivors in this cycle of abuse.

However, it's not the only reason.

Fred was abused by his mother and his father.

So you've got this cycle of abuse.

And unfortunately, it's come out in subsequent generations.

So Fred's son, Steven, has been convicted of sexual offenses.