Breadcrumbing

It's a pretty nefarious dynamic.

Breadcrumbing is the gradual adjustment and accommodation to getting less and less in a relationship, and still making the relationship work.

It's a phase of the relationship that I often think of as bridging devaluation into discard.

Whatever attentiveness, attunement, or presence there once was in the relationship has faded, and the dazzle of the love bomb has long disappeared.

And in the bre- breadcrumbing phase, they're seeing you and caring about you less and less.

You may read relationship books and believe that you need to be more seductive and more grateful or have date nights.

Breadcrumbing, in a way, is a reflection of the narcissistic person finally having had their fill of your supply.

It doesn't mean, though, that they're willing to get rid of it.

It's cruel to tell someone it didn't.

So let's talk about what is breadcrumbing because it's such a classical dynamic in a narcissistic relationship.

Breadcrumbing is the slow withholding of love, recognition, and acknowledgement that really is something, a pattern we tend to see in the devalue and discard phases of the narcissistic relationship.

And that whole pattern of just sort of getting less and less and less is something called breadcrumbing.

Basically, the person who is in the narcissistic relationship could be for any number of reasons, for reasons of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, confusion.

And then inevitably, the hardcore breadcrumbing happens again, and there's no emotion, nothing in the relationship.

Now, this isn't the same as the good day, bad day cycles of narcissistic relationships.

Breadcrumbing is really about getting so little that even a tiny gesture, like a person, I don't know, actually remembering to lock a door, feels like a week in Hawaii.

And then inevitably, the hardcore breadcrumbing happens again, and there's no emotion, nothing in the relationship.

Now this isn't the same as the good day, bad day cycles of narcissistic relationships.

Breadcrumbing is really about getting so little that even a tiny gesture like a person, I don't know, actually remembering to lock a door feels like a week in Hawaii.

Now bread crumbing sets an unhealthy precedent in narcissistic relationships and the emotional and psychological poverty that the relationship becomes devoid of any kindness, solicitousness, attention, warmth, or empathy, but just enough crumbs in there that you don't completely starve or leave.

Now that's what bread crumbing is.

That's not breadcrumbing.

Assuming that all of that other healthy stuff is there.

Breadcrumbing is also not people being genuinely busy or occupied, I don't know, with work or other responsibilities.

But ghosting's probably the worst one.

Do you think breadcrumbing is gaslighting adjacent?

Breadcrumbing is complete, yeah, just

manipulation.

That's just, you're just being a jerk.

Let us begin.

This episode is titled, Breadcrumbing, Why Tiny Doses of Attention Can Keep You Emotionally Hooked.

They never completely choose you, but they never completely leave either.

A message arrives just when you are beginning to move on.

And I want to go much deeper than simply saying, if they wanted to, they would.

Human behavior is more complicated than that.

The more interesting question is, why can so little attention sometimes create so much attachment? Breadcrumbing is the intermittent provision of enough romantic or emotional attention to maintain another person's interest without providing the consistency, clarity, or investment necessary to build a genuine relationship.

Think about that definition carefully.

Uh, is that cookie drawing? Is that fubbing or is that bread crumbing?

Breadcrumbing.

It

feels like breadcrumbing.

We are correct.

It's breadcrumbing.

Breadcrumbing preys upon a part of us that gets more excited by something.

If it's fluctuating rather than holding steady, our brains are designed to get addicted with intermittent reinforcement.

Let's see.

Breadcrumbing.

Preys on the part of us that gets more excited by something if it's fluctuating rather than holding steady.

"Our brains are designed to get addicted with intermittent reinforcement," said Megan Wex, a dating coach.

I'm gonna be annoyed for the rest of my life."

Absolutely.

Breadcrumbing is a orange flag-

Yeah

I just don't love the, him constantly kind of-

... leading you on.

Yeah.

Breadcrumbing this-

But it's...

I don't...