From the inside, what was really happening emotionally and psychologically for you?

sure so when I took my first drink I was 13 years old and I was in the garage of a friend of mine and we stole some beers from his dad and this was the first time I ever caught a buzz and I remember about halfway into the third beer that magic happens that's it's somewhat specific to alcoholics I know it happens to everyone but like to us it happens in a real specific way and the way that it felt was It was almost like I had been driving in a rainstorm my entire life and this was the first time I went under an overpass.

It was like the first time I ever felt a little bit of peace I could achieve that peace through substances you know I stopped trying to achieve it in everyday life because sobriety was just it just felt so bad so the more I drank the more drugs I used that was really just me chasing this this peace that I couldn't really name and so while some people think it is bad decisions while that's somewhat true there's something that happens in the brain of addicts and alcoholics and that once we start drinking or using drugs we have very little control over the amount we take.

And then as we continue to use drugs, the shame, the guilt, the fear, all these different feelings start to pile up.

And it's almost like a negative feedback loop in the sense that we feel shame So we, you know, we drink more, but then the more we drink, the more we experience these emotions.

And so it requires kind of more on top of it.

And, you know, if somebody had come up to me and said early on, hey, yeah, you can have that beer, but it's going to cost you, you know, $5 and your education, I probably would have said no.

days, I made the decision that I wanted to go back out to California to go to

For listening and meeting you for the first time, can you take us back to where it all began?

Yeah, absolutely.

So, you know, my story is a little interesting in that addiction was present pretty much my entire life.

So as a child, I lived in Tokyo, Japan.

And when I was living there, I developed these really, really bad neurological tics.

So like I'd be first off, I was overweight.

But second off, I'd be sitting in the back of the classroom like twitching and also making noises like meh, meh.

Can you explain what you mean by that?

kid that's the sort of thing that yes i have

five of them and they are they can be you know so uh so here's what happened so when i actually took my first drink at the age of 13 i just turned 13 and It was like, it solved the problem to me that I did not know existed until it got solved.

And it was just like, wow, this is the first time I can take a deep breath.

And from that point forward, I mean, by age 15, I was addicted to opiate painkillers.

By age 17, I was smoking crack before I was even out of high school.

And this started a journey of...

God, just a ton of rehabs.

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And then how has that, you know, your connection, if you have one still to the divine or outside of yourself, how has that evolved over time?

So good.

I love this question so much.

So, and I'll preface this by saying, this is my experience.

Of course, everyone's going to have a different experience with this sort of thing.

So yes, I grew up in a religious household where church was always expected on Sunday.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 and my dad was really the religious guy.

If you could share one, two, three stories, whatever you feel comfortable with about something that you um, considered to be, or you experienced or witnessed it, something magical, miraculous, or mysterious.

And so I'll let Austin take it away today.

boy, I was just a little ball of anxiety and shame.

If I could say the two emotions I experienced the most as a kid, anxiety and shame.

And the shame was always, I can't let you see me.

If you see me, you're not going to love me.

I'm unacceptable.

All these different things.

Yeah.

Yeah,

suffice it to say, I didn't handle it in the way that I should have handled it, which was to lean on my supports and to start getting honest about how I'm feeling and how I'm experiencing all of this.

And what I really did was I became really angry and resentful and fearful, you know? And so this relapse in 2014 is horrific.

I, you know, I go...

I'm, I'm spending on a monthly basis, 40 or $50,000 on drugs.

And like, it was a crazy, crazy high amount.

And, um, eventually I end up in, uh, and there's, I think there was two or three little rehabs in between here that I ended up in one in Arizona, um, couple of detoxes.

Yeah.