Aside

The steam had long faded from my cup of lemon ginger tea but I still cupped it with both hands comforted more by the shape than the temperature.

The clock over the sink—a retro sunburst from one of our first flea market outings ticked through another minute before Ryan’s car finally rumbled up the curb headlights flashed against the glass before slicing away He’d been over an hour late And not for the first time this month I listened to the familiar sound of his key scraping around the lock His bag thudding against the floorboards Just inside the door For a second I considered laying into him straightaway Making a joke at least About my abandoned starring role In our domestic drama Instead i watched the hallway shadows lengthen beyond the threshold When he stepped into the kitchen He was already unwinding his charcoal scarf With practiced absentminded movements Ryan was in that nebulous thirty something stage Where he could still carry a leading man’s presence He stood a little above average height Easy shoulders Beneath his herringbone coat Ginger brown hair cropped at his jaw In an untrendy But striking sweep His sharp jawline Had character As people put it Fine lines deepening at the corners Of his mouth when he smiled Mist clung To the collar of his navy wool blazer Where the rain had caught him Tonight he wore A shirt i hadn’t seen for a while A pale gray button down Slim Through the chest In profile He glanced More tense Than tired He offered a Quick Apologetic smile as he Set his Phone On the counter Before me Face Down Sorry sorry You would not Believe how Long Will went on about Act Three Everyone’s nerves Are fried He ran a Hand Through his Hair Eyes flickering Away from Mine For a Fraction of a Second Did we RSVP P to Tom’s barbecue This weekend yet Em He texted Me like three times A waft of unfamiliar Perfume drifted Up as he Leaned in for a peck On my cheek A sharper Floral Top note Not unpleasant But too sweet And not the Faded lavender Or sandalwood Of his usual Scent I tried not To stiffen Ryan didn’t seem Tto notice or maybe he did and Was choosing to Ignore it His Bag thumped Down beside The Table Compressing a Pile of Scripts and Spiral bound Notebooks "We're definitely going unless I get voted off the island after tonight’s rehearsal," I replied aiming for lightness and not looking up as I shuffled through the highlighted script pages My voice Sounded thinner Than I wanted “i might-- mean It’ll depend How much work will Needs from us Sponsors are buzzing Apparently Vanessa’s Been talking up the ticket sales” He Flashed a Crooked Distracted Half Smile As If Expecting a laugh I hesitated Curious And a Little Wary But before i Could respond Ryan’s Phone buzzed Just once He darted a Quick look half a private sheepish smile Curling at his lips Then he Caught me noticing And palmed The phone Locking the screen With a Practiced flick Before slipping it In his Jacket Pocket I looked away Tracing a Circle in the condensation On my mug We’d always had An easy Truce about phones Each other’s Privacy was sacred Hell Id Once told Ryan my Passcode with my mother standing right there And thought Nothing of it Maybe this was nothing But i couldn’t Help the feeling Like a draft skittering Over my skin A subtle shift In the Temperature of the room Not cold Exactly Just no longer Reliably warm When he left the Kitchen to change I stared at the play Script between my Hands Only two weeks And we’d be onstage Together again Under Real lights Sharing those murmured Asides and Secret amused Smirks in the wings Or we should have been This was supposed to Be the Time we Fell Back Into sync Our ritual Every spring But Ryan was More distant Than ever I laughed at myself Quietly Was I really jealous of the theater director or God forbid The calendar Maybe that perfume just belonged to a hug from an excitable castmate Why was I sitting at the kitchen table obsessing over how often my husband smiled at his phone ? heard his footsteps return, the hush of bare feet on the tiles ‘You’re still up,’ he said catching my eye with a sheepish half grin I Tried for breezy Somebody has tto wrangle the Lines Around here If we don’t drill Scene five Soon Well Both bomb In front of tom’s family He flopped into The chair Beside me Looping an arm Around my waist And squeezing lightly 'Sorry em Let’s do a Quick pass And then ill Make it up to you All Right.' It was only half a promise But I Nodded and Pressed my head Against his shoulder inhaling The mixture of Aftershave Unfamiliar fragrance And Cold night air I told myself the rest could wait for morning.

Our life had always spun fast and loud, even before the theater drew us together.

Five years of marriage, nearly eight orbiting each other, we knew the rhythms of each other's schedules almost better than our own.